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From: baldplate
Date: 7/2/2002
Time: 12:02:54 PM
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Outside it rains, as it does in my own depressing void. The more thing change outside the more things remain exactly the same for me. With the exception that everything grows steadily worse and more intense. People no longer look at me, for I am too painful for them to watch. I represent a truth to them, a truth they would rather not admit exists. And I do not care for them, and I no longer care if the see me or not. When I would rather not acknowledge my own existance, why should I and how can I expect them to be any different? Every morning it grows harder and harder to look in the mirror and pretend not to see my eyes. And yet I must do so, in order to make it thorugh the day, to avoid what I have become. Using drugs, or whatever else, I fade into the nothingness again, sweet oblivion. I haunt my own life like a ghost and live like a corpse. I feel already dead and yet I can't make fruitful my attempts at death. There is nothing left to do but become an outside watcher of life, never real and never part of it. My own lonliness and despair turns to longing, which turns to envy, which turns to hate. Which then becomes more despair lonliness, isolating me from a world i no longer love. A world I loathe and yet would do anything to be part of at the same time. The dangerous love-hate relationship is like that of a moth with a flame. In the end I know it shall destroy me, but yet I cannot tear myself away. And so I allow it to facinate me, but I stay far away from it, knowing that just one more thing today or tomorrow will drive my hand to act. I must remove myself from life in order to keep my mind clear of the fruitless promises of life. As I sit, outside it has stopped raining, but never in my own private hell does it ever cease. its always been a case of a last resort and trying to rid myself of the deplorable torture that I feel i am continually enduring. I dont want to die and i feel genuine loss and sorrow for my family, that i will doubtlesly leave behind. But simply put my misery far outweighs my desire to live in a state of abject hell just for the sake of my family. My time again is running out, i have another method at hand and no reason or desire to live in my own personal hell for much longer

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